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Showing posts from November, 2019

October is…

I have not been pregnant in over 19 years and I have 8 amazing children. I just went to the bathroom and after wiping, I automatically looked at the toilet paper.  It suddenly dawned on me that I do this every time I go to the bathroom, to look for blood. This is what having a miscarriage does to you. All these years later I am still looking; the fear of seeing blood when I shouldn’t is still there. I have had two miscarriages and I think having a miscarriage forever changes you.  The bubble that pregnancy is a carefree and joyous time is marked by this underlying feeling of dread that something is going to go wrong.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed being pregnant. I loved the feeling of the baby moving inside and of the almost secret bond I felt as the baby grew inside of me. But underneath all of that joy was a red hot fear.  The fear would lessen as the pregnancy went on, but never entirely left. October is pregnancy loss awareness month.  October is when one of our babies should ha